5.28.2009

The fine art of missing the point entirely

As a sometimes actual-journalist, I'm familiar (and therefore partially sympathetic) with the demands placed on feature writers. Perhaps the most coveted prize for such reporters is the Holy Grail known as "balance." Without sufficient column inches or airtime, most debates, no matter how complex and muddy, get reduced to simplistic, bifurcated "he says" "but others say" routines.

This results in a kind of vague unspoken assumption that the truth must reside somewhere in the hallowed "middle ground."
And with the renewed debate between science and religion turning into a war of attrition, it's no surprise the media are eager for their messiah of the middle. Enter Robert Wright and Newsweek.

Let’s Talk About God

by Lisa Miller May 28, 2009.
Alrighty, let's do.
The atheist writers Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens have presented us with a choice: either you don’t believe in God or you’re a dope. “It is perfectly absurd for religious moderates to suggest that a rational human being can believe in God, simply because that belief makes him happy,” writes Harris in the 2005 “Atheist Manifesto” now posted on the Web site of his new nonprofit, The Reason Project. Their brilliance, wit and (general) good humor have made the new generation of atheists celebrities among people who like to consider themselves smart. We enjoy their books and their telegenic bombast so much that we don’t mind their low opinion of us. Dopey or not, 90 percent of Americans continue to say they believe in God.
Straw men in place? Check. False dichotomy? Check. Obligatory populist nod? Check.

By the way, none of the aforementioned atheist writers have, to my knowledge, described believers one and all as "dopes." Miller leads with a Sam Harris quote taken thoroughly out of context. In the piece, Harris isn't name-calling or labeling the faithful as uniformly dumb; he's making a specific argument against any brand of reasoning that counts personal comfort as proof. And he's, of course, right. Believing my cock is humongous might boost my self-esteem, but it has no bearing on the decidedly average and kinda bent truth.
Robert Wright’s The Evolution of God, which comes out next week, is about to reframe this debate. Wright doesn’t argue one side or other of the “Is God real?” question. He leaves that aside. Instead, he grapples with God as an idea that has changed—evolved—through history.
(Read: And is, ergo, probably right.)
Scientists believe in electrons because they see the effects of electrons on the world. “You might say,” he writes in his afterword, “that love and truth are the two primary manifestations of divinity in which we can partake, and that by partaking in them we become truer manifestations of the divine. Then again, you might not say that. The point is just that you wouldn’t have to be crazy to say it.” ...

With those three sentences, Wright gives relief and intellectual ballast to those believers weary of the punching-bag tone of the recent faith-and-reason debates.
Ballast my balls. See, some things in life are, as much as we might wish otherwise, ultimately backed by evidence and some are not. One could say love and truth are the primary manifestations of Ed Asner's ass. One could say a lot of things. The point Harris and company drive home is not that believers are dopes, but that those who engage in the precarious balancing act of faith are pretenders to the throne of reason. By mistaking their emotions as the whisperings of an almighty force, the religious comfortably bypass the uncertain, harsh, and at times frightening demands placed on us by the universe. God is, in a word, an excuse.

Is balance a good thing? Absolutely. But it doesn't guarantee that journalists have cornered the market on truth by aiming their crosshairs at the middle. Sometimes one side actually is right. Not every playing field is level. Nor should it be. The Flat Earth Society simply hasn't earned a platform (no pun intended) upon which to stand. Not only can some groups not distinguish their asses from holes in the ground, they claim to have no assses at all. That is, despite their ability to talk out of them. What should we do? Forge ahead with a compromise position? The Earth is a not quite as round as we thought maybe?

The middle ground may feel safe and warm, but it's no less prone to earthquakes than the outskirts. "There may or may not be a god, but we have no reliable evidence that one exists" versus "There is a god, I know his name, and he tells me his perfect and holy will." Are these two positions really comparable on any level?

Methinks the center might not be where you think it is, Lisa.

Achtung, My Babies

A little online test returned this result:

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

Why NC-17?
This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

* crap (5x)
* cock (3x)
* hell (2x)
* dead (1x)
That's it? Shit, three of those come straight out of the Bible. Jesus fucking Christ, who wrote this goddamn program? Gary Bauer's cocksucking grandmother? I crack jokes about God's penis, donkey rape, and Nietzschean mustache rides and they single out "crap." Holy testicle-shitting douchecannon. That's like levying massive fines on a network for showing half a picosecond of Janet Jackson's right tit.

Wait, now I get it.

5.26.2009

(Un)real Estate

Ever wonder what type of house you'll get in heaven?

I know I do. As a gated community, heaven no doubt boasts some prime real estate (location, location, location), but come on. Let's be realistic. There's got to be a less-than-desirable area beyond the candy cane railroad tracks where the Hiltons turn into HoJos. Saint Peter living on the same block as the average Christian? Please. Fucker got crucified topsy-turvy. There's no way he's shacking up next to the "old mall."

Thankfully, the always expectant folks over at Rapture Ready have prepared a rough guide to the kind of accommodations you can expect in the great big afterspa. (Note: No shit. This is actually on their website.)


The Super Saint Mansion: This is the home of those rare folks who totally commit themselves to the task of advancing the Kingdom of God.

Wait, do they all have to live together in there?





The Widow's Mite Mansion: Jesus' example of the poor widow out-giving wealthy men proved that it may not be so obvious who will be greatly blessed with riches in Heaven.

It is located, however, directly adjacent to a maximum security prison.




The God Fearing Mansion: The Bible repeatedly declares to us that God will, someday, pointedly ask each of us to give an account of the good deeds we've accomplished in our life on earth. This type of mansion is for people that wisely acted on God's warning.

Great, but do I have to mow the fucking lawn?



The Average Christian Mansion: In heaven, even the average believer will enjoy living quarters that will be elegant by earthly standards.

It's the house from The Money Pit.




The Struggling Believer Mansion: This home is for people who made it into heaven by the skin of their teeth. It's far better to live as a pauper in heaven, than to face the alternative.

Not sure if "mansion" really captures the essence of this one. Good luck squeezing HUD money out of a Jewish dictator.



The Spiritually Immature Mansion: Many Christians fail to fully mature in their faith. Because these folks cling to juvenile ways, a play house would be a fitting home for them.

Haha, yes, very funny, but where's the real digs? I've gotta take a shit.




The Wood, Hay and Stubble Mansion: This is the dwelling place for those individuals Who did everything in life for their own glory.

I dunno, looks kinda cozy. Some Buddhists could live quite happily in there. Jesus, is it all about money with you fucking people?




The Pew Warmer Mansion: One of the saddest groups of people in heaven will be those who never did anything beyond going to church every Sunday. They had the knowledge of the truth, but they never did anything with it.

Hold up now. One of the "saddest groups" in heaven? I must have missed the Bible verse that explains the intricacies of the afterlife's belief-based economic system. Also, you can drop a loaf in heaven?





The Quitter Mansion: This is a home that will never be lived in because the person slated for this lot was a believer in name only. Angels began to build him a mansion, but they stopped work when it was clear the client had no intention of fulfilling his commitment.

Cheer up, CNBC. Even heaven didn't foresee the subprime collapse.



So there you have it. The eternal bliss of God's final reward to the faithful - no universal healthcare, rampant inequality, laissez faire reverse capitalism, and people living inside outdoor shitters.

The logic on display here bears a striking resemblance to the Islamic version: Avoid sex and sexual thoughts at all times, so that you may be rewarded with hot virgin pussy. Likewise for the Christians, shun earthly wealth and possessions, so that you may score a really slick crib in the clouds.

Say, how's the rent in hell?

5.22.2009

When the cock crows no more

Tired of having a boyfriend composed of matter? Bored with physical pleasure? Turned on by the ghosts of Jewish carpenters?

Swallow the crazy pill and enter the fantastically desperate world of consecrated virgins.




You know, there's deluded funny and then there's deluded sad. This poor woman believes she's lawfully wedded to a 2000-year-old space god and he's bunking in the room upstairs. Talk about a one way relationship. At least she saves on birth control. (Then again, the King of Kings did go bareback that one time.)

Few questions right off the bat.

1. If Jesus is "married" to more than one woman, doesn't that make him a polygamist?

2. Any supermodels sign on to this program? I'll wager that's a big fat "no."

3. The Holy Spirit drives a truck?

4. OK, so this lady is hitched to Christ. How's about chipping in on the income there, Jehovah Jobless? Sure, you shelled out for her sins, but those utility bills ain't paying themselves.

Digital Sage

Lest the Catholic Church be accused of being "behind the times," the den of child rapists Vatican is launching Pope2You, a brand new web portal through which the faithful can send postcards and images via Facebook and other social networking sites. Hot damn! Can't get enough of the pontiff's endearing scowl? Well, you're in luck.

Via MSNBC:

While warning against the potential use of new media to spread violent messages and pornography, the 82-year-old Benedict also has encouraged young Catholics to use the Internet responsibly.

On Wednesday he told pilgrims at his weekly audience in St. Peter's Square that young people should use the Internet to build a better world through bonds of friendship and solidarity, adding that the digital world can help make the Gospel known.
To which a 4chan poster who goes by SquirtySanchez replied, "Get plowed by a diseased cock."

Praise the Lord.

5.18.2009

Todd Bentley: Rochambeau for Christ!

Sometimes miraculous healings require more than your standard Benny Hinn-style forehead thump. Occasionally demons burrow so deep into people's souls it takes a good healthy roundhouse to the face. And when that happens, faith healer Todd Bentley is there.

Prepare for a holy beatdown.



If you think What Would the WWF Do? here is joking, dial up a few of his other videos on YouTube. Sucker punches to terminally ill patients, old lady kicking... it's a hoot. Sweep the leg, Jesus!

Luckily, this neckless wonder got roasted by Nightline a while back.

5.16.2009

Respect. The. Dawk.

Huhuhuh. Richard Dawkins said "intercourse."


5.14.2009

Bad news, everyone

We unbelievers are "not fully human."

At least according to Cardinal Cormack Murphy-O'Connor.


No word yet on what what our "non-human" portion is made of. Presumably a gelatinous cartilage comprised of godless, subhuman anti-matter, or, as my own research on this subject suggests, a light marinara sauce.

But seriously, to answer the good Cardinal's statement, I have to ask: Why does the search for god specifically imbue seekers with some special right to humanhood? By this logic, the 19 hijackers were more fully human than Carl Sagan. Maybe the proper starting point is a definition of "search" and "god." If we widen the scope of these words to include the vaguely spiritual noises made by Einstein and other poetically-minded scientists, a favorite pastime of religious liberals, then virtually anyone asking big questions qualifies as a seeker of god - even if they deny "god" is what they're after.

The Cardinal, if I'm reading him right, seems to think only a quest for the truth about his god creates the conditions for a life fully lived. I would have to disagree, not only because of the provinciality of this argument but because religions tend to dull our transcendental ambitions, not sharpen them. Instead of wondering about the universe as it truly is, religion delimits our imaginations by focusing them on mythologies and dogma.

If you sense a Sam Harris video link coming right about now, your Joshdar is in good working order.

This is why I believe not only a sense of awe but actual answers about the universe can be had without resorting to fantasy.

5.12.2009

The poverty of the Christian imagination

There are no earthquakes on Mars.

But don't go envying the red planet. God, the omniscient planetary engineer, designed Earth for maximum efficiency (balancing the demands of biology, physics, and free will) and earthquakes, like the 9.0 magnitude tremor below the Indian Ocean that killed a quarter of a million people in 2004, are a necessary structural defect. So says Dr. James Denison, theologian-in-residence for the Baptist General Convention of Texas.

In his column "One Size Fits None," Denison likens our planet to a hospital gown - it may air condition your ass, but it's the best we can do. Shades of Leibniz soon to follow.

So why doesn't someone design a better one? Go ahead--try it yourself. Your hospital garment must be loose enough to cover a patient with broken limbs and casts. It must be easily accessible to doctors and nurses while you're lying in bed. In case you're unresponsive, it must be easily removable for emergency personnel. It must be capable of multiple washings and reuse to keep costs down. What seemed simple, isn't.
The analogy succeeds in one regard; the examples Denison cites explode his argument like a match to a fart. The hospital gown design came into being a posteriori, that is, as a reaction to the physical makeup of the human body. We can't control the shape and placement of our various orifices (Chinese gymnasts notwithstanding).

God, on the other hand, being free to calibrate the universe however he pleases, operates without constraints. Unless the properties and laws surrounding atoms, physical constants, etc. precede God, but that's a whole other can of worms.

That brings Denison to his real point, providing a rationale for God's seeming incompetence.
Atheist J. L. Mackie proposed the "utopia thesis"--if God is omnipotent, he must be able to design a world where we are absolutely free but no suffering results. We can't imagine such a universe, but we're not God, or so he argued. C. S. Lewis would respond that even God isn't obligated to do the logically impossible, like making a square circle or defining the color of the number 7. It is illogical by definition for us to have freedom without consequences. If I am free to type gibberish but God makes my laptop produce an intelligible sentence, I wasn't truly free.
Following this line of thought, Heaven, as most Christians seem to conceive it, would also lack freedom. Then again, C.S. Lewis was never too stellar in the logic department himself.

One need not go to such extremes, though. A "perfect" world comprised of autonomous individuals with differing desires may indeed be impossible, but is it really so difficult to envision a world with less suffering? An all vegetarian planet?

Denison's argument assumes God must work within an established framework - biological entities battling for finite materials in a volatile environment. This is moving the goal posts a bit, isn't it? When we're talking about abstract concepts like benevolence, omnipresence, and redemption, God surpasses all human understanding, but when we change the topic to our terrestrial situation, Yahweh is suddenly incapable of creating anything but flesh, dirt, and syphilis.

My advice to Dr. Denison is that he read some good sci-fi, maybe Stanislaw Lem, and realize how limited his imagination (and by extension God's) truly is.

5.11.2009

The Creation Museum gets "historical"

There's always something fun going on at the Creation Museum, boys and girls!

Via CreationMuseum.org:

The Creation Museum, located seven miles west of the Cincinnati Airport, presents a “walk through history.”
Ah, splendid. A walking tour of the legendary land seven miles west of the Cincinnati Airport. Travel through the wilds of I-275 South, follow in the footsteps of the Creation Museum's groundskeeper, and finally, experience the mystery and wonder of the tree where that thing happened that one time.
Designed by a former Universal Studios exhibit director, this state-of-the-art 70,000 square foot museum brings the pages of the Bible to life. A fully engaging, sensory experience for guests. Murals and realistic scenery, computer-generated visual effects, over fifty exotic animals, life-sized people and dinosaur animatronics, and a special-effects theater complete with misty sea breezes and rumbling seats. These are just some of the impressive exhibits that everyone in your family will enjoy.
So, computers, animatronics, and special effects - all testifying to the ineffectiveness of science. Praise the Lord and pass the irony. At least the people are "life-sized."

5.09.2009

What do you get the mom who already has everything wrong?


Tomorrow is, of course, Mother's Day. If only everyone had a mom as wonderful as mine...

But alas, that isn't the case for one 13-year-old in Sleepy Eye, Minnesota.

Daniel Hauser has Hodgkin lymphoma, a highly curable form of cancer (up to 95% 5 year survival rates for kids), but Daniel's doctors have downgraded his chances to 5%. Why, you ask?

Via Star Tribune:

[Colleen] Hauser, whose son was diagnosed in January with Hodgkin's lymphoma, said conventional treatments such as chemotherapy conflict with the family's religious beliefs. She said they prefer natural remedies such as herbs and vitamins.
A court battle is currently underway to decide whether the boy should receive the proper treatment. Should Colleen Hauser win the case, the doctors have a fairly straightforward prognosis.
"What is the ultimate outcome of that process?" Tom Sinas, an attorney for the guardian ad litem, asked of the tumor's growth.

"Death," Bostrom replied.
Gee, thanks Mom.

Man, this kind of thing burns me up.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Quest

More Quest Church goodness.






Exactly what Jesus had in mind.













If Steve Buscemi, Gomez Adams, and Vlad Tepes had a child.












Pastor Pete shows the congregation how to properly chain their slaves.











When explaining how Quest sets itself apart from other churches, one would be remiss not to mention the frequent use of theatrical male rape humor.












Kayne Worst













Quest's in-house Creed cover band is: Jason Postley on vocals, Jonathan Weiss on drums, and Mount Kilimanjaro on bass.










If you look closely, you'll see a black box hanging out of the girl's pajama pants. I think this is how they control them.









Talk about Jesus all you want, lady. Every guy in the crowd is just staring at those ripe sweater melons.












King Leery











"All right, kids, it's first down and Jesus is about to slobber-knock the shit out of you."











"And so every day we thank God for Jimmy here, who, despite not being morbidly obese, we still believe to be our son."













Little Bobby received a double blessing that day; first, by volunteering to show the congregation how to trust in the Lord, and second, by bravely accepting God's gift of an intracranial hemorrhage with widespread cerebral contusions.

5.08.2009

It's Pat... Again

Well, our favorite gaffe factory is at it again. This time the good reverend takes the gay marriage equation, adds a few variables, and concludes that the United States is a function approaching bestiality.

Pull back the reins, Pattycake. We can't shovel this shit fast enough...




Prodigious extrapolating there, Professor.

Isn't it strange how society's self-appointed moral accountants can't tally up the difference between gay marriage and donkey rape? That's not a slippery slope. It's a fucking event horizon.

5.07.2009

Prayrz Day!

National Day of Prayer Challenge


It's in the air. Can you feel it?

Today is the National Day of Prayer, and true to form, conservative Christians are pissed off.

Via US News:

The National Day of Prayer Task Force, headquartered at the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family, has issued a statement criticizing the Obama administration for the way it's marking the annual event this Thursday. Though the Obama administration has announced that it will issue a proclamation marking the National Day of Prayer, it will not hold a formal White House event, as George W. Bush had done for the past eight years.
Oh my me! Heavens! If President Obama doesn't get his prayer on, this well-oiled stability train built by George W. Bush might go barreling off the tracks.
National Day of Prayer Task Force chair Shirley Dobson said today, "We are disappointed in the lack of participation by the Obama Administration. At this time in our country's history, we would hope our President would recognize more fully the importance of prayer."
Yes, let's make sure Obama takes some time off from fixing the financial crisis, negotiating with Pakistan, reforming health care, choosing a Supreme Court justice, and combating swine flu to petition the transparent space sorcerer for guidance.

And the National Day of Prayer Task Force? There's a null set if I ever heard of one.

Here's my assignment for the National Day of Prayer: Find one thing that's different. Surely if millions of pious souls are training their brainwaves on the almighty, something ought to change. Peace breaks out in the Middle East, Kirstie Alley turns down a doughnut, anything.

Know how I'm going to celebrate the National Day of Prayer? By giving some money to a worthy cause. And here's the kicker. It'll do more good than all of today's prayers combined. Neat, huh?

5.05.2009

Another gem from Pat Robertson

As any good Christian knows, when you need relationship pointers Pat Robertson is just the right dick to fill that hole. Take this refreshing slice of common sense Reverend Gigglesworth dispensed recently on CBN:




Several highlights in this clip:

"...if you're getting intimate..." Oh come on, Pat, just say it. Are ya fuckin'?

This woman's bright idea of finding a middle ground between Christianity and atheism. I have to side with Pat on this one. What exactly would be the median here? Periodically believing in God?

Pat's tender, loving response: Find another dude cuz yours worships the devil. KTHXBAI.

5.04.2009

Amen... Now let's blow sum shit up!

Consider this: Homosexuals are banned from serving openly in the U.S. armed forces, but evangelical Christians are free to distribute Bibles in Pashto in Afganistan.

Jesus and the military. That's one queer marriage.




Far be it from me to tell these soldiers their business, but I bet the Afghans would prefer that case of Dr. Pepper in the corner over the pocket New Testaments. Just a thought.

Best atheist quote?

While thumbing through Jennifer Hecht's brilliant Doubt: A History, I ran across a quote from German atheist Arthur Schopenhauer. Though admittedly ignorant when it comes to the man's contributions to philosophy, I'm reasonably certain his hairstyle carved a deep swath across the history of fashion... and the center of his head.

"And Moses stretched out his hand; and the LORD divided the hair..."



But what really impressed me was this:
For if we could guarantee them their dogma of immortality in some other way, the lively ardor for their gods would at once cool; and… if continued existence after death could be proved to be incompatible with the existence of gods… they would soon sacrifice these gods to their own immortality, and be hot for atheism.
Talk about a searing indictment. It's not an argument we hear often from atheists and agnostics (at least not so well phrased), yet it cuts right to the heart of religion's most obvious Achilles' heel.

For all the complexity and sophistication that surrounds our various theologies, it's worth noting that none of the serious contenders (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, etc.) posit a universe where humankind is utterly damned without chance of parole. Oh, they may chant "God hates fags!" or preach the destruction of other faiths, but not one of them teaches that God is evil, or that no possibility of heaven or enlightenment awaits any of us.

Obviously, any religion that promoted such ideas wouldn't win many converts. Not necessarily because those ideas are inconceivable or patently false, but because they don't tell us what we want to hear.

Religion is like hunting; the bait must entice, but not to the point that it reveals itself as bait. Schopenhauer's criticism here is a sharp one. Give people a choice between immortality (the bait) and their respective deity of choice and they'll kill the latter off faster than you can say "Nietzschean mustache ride."

5.01.2009

Actual Headlines on ChristianityToday.com

Tom Hanks: Pawn of Satan?

Why We Need Earthquakes

Is the Stimulus Act Anti-Religious?

Thinking About Heaven on Earth Day

Superman on the Screen: Counterfeit Myth?