Michael Jackson reincarnated as tree

While fans worldwide mourn the passing of the King of Pop, there's a silver lining to this media-saturated cloud; Michael Jackson has already returned to earth to offer dazzling insights into the great dance party in the sky.

Well, he would, that is, if he weren't reincarnated as a tree stump.

I gotta be honest. After several minutes of intense squinting and head cocking, I still don't see a goddamn thing. I mean, not even a vague semblance, folks. I've seen blank sheets of paper that looked more like Michael Jackson.

You know, as Chris Hitchens likes to say, humans are pattern-seeking mammals. We instinctively attribute agency to just about everything whether it shows true signs of intentionality or not. In this case, some of us believe the soul of a troubled pop icon chose to reestablish his terrestrial presence in the form of a stump in Stockton, California. I think the real question here is: if you really loved Michael Jackson, would you really want his ethereal essence to be relegated to a knot on a fucking piece of wood?

I'm starting with the man in the timber....

*Still hoping this video is satire.

Primetime conversion

A number of folks have sent me links to a recent story about an atheist "conversion" game show. As you may have heard, Turkish TV station Kanal T hopes to garner some mad ratings with a program featuring representatives from the Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist faiths, all vying for the souls of atheist contestants.

Most of the obvious jokes have already been made, so I'll just describe the first thing that struck me about this conceit.

Lost in all the chatter about the show's potential to offend is a rather stark little microcosm. The producers behind Penitents Compete may not recognize it, but their game show operates in a remarkably similar fashion to the broader business of organized religion. Far from being offended, believers should appreciate seeing themselves in a televised mirror.

The major faiths perpetually seek new members to replenish their ranks. This is no secret. But what they tend to avoid discussing are their methods. Listening to ministers and priests in this country, one would get the impression that churches attract fresh converts solely by appealing to their better natures and natural intuitions about love and peace, but why then do churches need basketball courts and pools and convenient parking? Conspicuous assumption, anyone?

It's a safe bet the contestants on Penitents Compete won't be bombarded by sophisticated philosophical arguments but rather treated to breathtaking displays of gymnastic reasoning and a barrage of afterlife insurance plans. No doubt the lion's share of the time will be spent drawing the contestants in with promises and playing on their most base, childish emotions and fears.

And at the end of the day, is there really that big of a difference between "winning" souls and winning a game show? Both are, to the mind of a true believer, games. Life is one big three dimensional sport - shirts versus skins, Christians versus Muslims. It's all the same ballgame, so to speak.

Too bad none of it has even the remotest bearing on the truth.

The awesome power of gay sex

A youth choir from Broadway Baptist Church in Texas was recently uninvited to participate in a Kentucky Baptist mission program. The reason? (Brace yourself.) Broadway Baptist published a photo of a gay couple in its church directory, raising the ire of the mighty Southern Baptist Convention. And while this move shouldn't surprise anyone familiar with the particular denomination, it's often illuminating to unpack such events and really highlight the progression taking place.

For that reason, I've constructed a flowchart. Bon appétit.

Two men discover their mutual appreciation of two things: placing their erect penises inside one another and church.

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A digital image of this couple appears in a church directory.

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The convention to which the church belongs, drawing from a couple of brief lines in a 2000-year-old collection of scattershot musings and rumors popular among illiterate nomads in Bronze Age Palestine, announces that the invisible space sorcerer also described in this text disapproves of the photo because it implies acceptance of the aforementioned knob polishing.

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A group of young singers from Fort Worth, Texas cannot, therefore, project their voices into an open room at the University of the Cumberlands' Outreach program.

There. QED. Anal sex caused the cancellation of a church choir event in a different state. Ladies and gentlemen, what more evidence do you need? If one gay couple can wreak this much havoc, imagine what choir-related atrocities gay marriage could unleash upon the world.

Expecto negative pressicus!

This should get the fundies' undies all knotted up - Daniel Radcliffe is an atheist (via Pharyngula).

Listen closely and you'll hear the screams of vindication rising from church potlucks around the country as the army of concerned anti-Potter crusaders heave a collective "See! We were right!"

Now if we could just get Emma Watson to declare her unbelief in clothing.

Ken Ham is all confuzzled

The weirdly-facial-haired anti-genius behind Kentucky's Creation "Museum" has run the conundrum through his head a million times, but to no avail; why don't scientists and journalists dig his little glorified Chuck E. Cheese show?

Via Answers in Genesis:

As is usual, most of them don’t understand that there is a big difference between observation in the present (e.g., observing the properties of metals or looking at the structure of a cell through a microscope) and interpreting the facts of the present in relation to the past. And really, when their starting point is that the Bible’s account of origins is not true or there is no God or we have to accept man’s interpretation of the past over God’s Word, then no amount of “facts” will convince them.

As it turns out, this problem is a convenient one for Ken - because he has no "facts" to dispense anyway. *Phew* Dodged that epistemological bullet, huh?

In a certain sense, Mr. Ham is correct. Our respective starting points do color our interpretations of the data. When one embarks on his quest for truth from the shores of reason, the facts paint a decidedly pro-evolution picture. On the other hand, when one stumbles off the high dive at Bonzo's Retarded Water Slide and Fun Park, performing a full-on Greg Louganis on the way down, the view that Triceratops wore a saddle suddenly seems plausible.

Ken, give it up, man. The joke's over. And shave that fucking Amish pseudo-beard off your face. It's scaring the children.

This is a miracle all right

Faux News once again proves it's at the forefront of medical science with this fascinating interview with a woman whose tumors vanished after she prayed to a 19th century priest ... and underwent some quack remedy called "chemotherapy."

Now, I would never argue that medical mysteries don't exist. Undoubtedly, situations arise that confound our current knowledge on a host of subjects. But isn't it worth noting, as British comedian Tim Minchin says, that every mystery we've solved since the dawn of man has turned out not to be magic?

The real miracle is that, despite centuries of medical progress taking place right before our eyes, people persist in crediting ghosts and spirits for their recoveries. Yet turnabout is fair play, don't you think? If a 19th century priest cured this lucky woman, shouldn't some demonic force be blamed for the illness itself? If not, we have a gross asymmetry here.